An Older Lesbian’s Thoughts on Death and Happiness
My Regular Pagan Holiday Post
Autumn Equinox 2023
Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year celebration that takes place near the autumnal equinox, is all about starting anew. But it’s also about contemplating death.
So says psychology professor David De Steno, who studies the ways emotions guide decisions and behaviors.
I’m not Jewish, but I appreciate much that I’ve learned of the religion. Not the god part. As with any religion, we atheists and others can take the parts we like and leave the rest.
DeSteno writes, “On Rosh Hashana Jews say prayers and listen to readings that celebrate the creation of the world and of human life. But Rosh Hashana also strikes a different, seemingly discordant note. Unlike so many other New Year’s traditions, the Jewish holiday asks those who observe it to contemplate death. The liturgy includes the recitation of a poem, the Unetaneh Tokef, part of which is meant to remind Jews that their lives might not last as long as they’d hope or expect. “Who will live and who will die?” the poem asks. “Who will live out their allotted time and who will depart before their time?
“But the particular brilliance of Rosh Hashana is that it combines thoughts of death with a new year’s focus on a fresh start. Temporal landmarks like the new year celebration offer the chance for a psychological reset. We can separate ourselves from past failures and imperfections — a break that not only prods us to consider new directions in life but also helps us make any changes more effectively.
“Contemplating death helps people make decisions about their future that bring them more happiness. This is an insight about human nature that the rites of Rosh Hashana capture especially well…”
We Get Happier as We Age
Across the globe, research shows, people’s happiness tends to follow a pattern through life. Happiness starts decreasing in one’s 20s, hits its nadir around age 50 and then slowly rises through one’s 70s and 80s, until and unless significant health issues set in.
I see this in my group of old lesbians. Our recent gathering was a workshop about death and dying. Introducing ourselves, these women in their 60s, 70s and 80s reported on state of mind. We are happy! We are doing what we want to do. We are enjoying the last part of our lives.
I’ve been contemplating death a lot lately. At this age, in my mid-70s, some of my contemporaries are dying. Every day I imagine that it could be my last. But that acknowledgement helps me to appreciate life.
Visiting my friend Cheryl Parker as she was dying of ovarian cancer and sick from chemo, I repeated an old chestnut, that I’d prefer to die quickly of a heart attack rather than suffer. She said something profound.
“Don’t be so sure. Just think of all the love I’ve received and all the love I’ve given as I’m dying.” Cheryl lived just nine months from her diagnosis to her death. Much love flowed in all directions and my view of death was transfigured.
Beginning a New Year
It’s interesting that the Jewish new year takes place in the fall, as the natural world is beginning to die. I see beauty in the garden as plants go to seed and die back.
But my careful attention to the garden recently led to an existential crisis.
I was washing aphids off the narrow leaf milkweed with a strong stream from the hose. Then I had an epiphany. What if monarch butterflies had laid their eggs on the plants and I was washing them off too? Monarchs, of course, are the reason we had planted milkweed in the garden in the first place.
We are participating in the Western Monarch Call to Action, started by scientists after the once populous iconic species reached an all-time low in 2018. They have been decimated by pesticides and habitat loss.
Monarchs lay their eggs on milkweed and feed on the leaves. Milkweed is their only host plant, critical for their survival. The leaves contain cardiac glycosides which make them toxic to most mammals and birds (Do use gloves when handling the plant). So eating the milkweed protects the insects from predators, as the butterflies become toxic to them!
Sadly, this summer we have not seen one monarch in our garden, nor many other butterflies either. My wife Holly remembers encountering hundreds of skippers, the small orange brown and black butterflies, when she was a kid growing up in Santa Rosa. We’ve seen a few this summer, but their numbers are way down too.
It’s not just butterflies. Almost all insect populations have experienced steep decline worldwide in recent years. It turns out insects play an essential part in our natural world. We humans need them. If you want to help protect monarchs and all insects, stop using pesticides and poisons in the garden. And grow some milkweed. The best kind to grow here is narrow-leaf milkweed, but any kind (except tropical milkweed) will do.
My concern about monarchs was laid to rest when I read that egg laying takes place mostly in the spring, and continues through the summer. Now that it is fall, I can stop worrying. Sonoma County Gardener Facebook page says just leave the aphids. They are part of the cycle of life and death.
Since the Call to Action began, the monarchs have multiplied. Our citizen action is working! I hope this can presage a new start for the monarchs.
Happy new year dear friends! Rosh Hashanah is now over but I hope it’s not too late to say Shana tova
